Elyssia

I forgot to paint my toenails. They were still squared from the last paint job but the nail folds were dark. No matter how I treated my feet, the join folds remained dark. This made me worry people would think there was a fungus making its way up and all over my nails. There were pinstripes on the big toes which my dermatologist could not explain to me. People would look at me and assume I was ill and I couldn't tell them they were incorrect in any respect. I painted my fingernails purple myself. I spent time cutting my cuticles off with a painful dedication and hardly any blood was visible now. Fingering the cuts with dirty hands made them sting like hell. What would he think of my nails? I hardly recognize features on a person's face until I see their hands. The only way to properly confirm what is in front of you.
 
I stepped off of the train and was instantly bombarded with college logos and cheap eateries. I could see housing from the station, maybe a five minute walk. It was drastically different from my little campus located in the middle of nowhere. This was a mini city with all the fixings. The sports bar on the corner definitely boosted the college energy. I walked over and considered going in just to avoid the heat but the idea of all the patrons staring stopped me. I may be young but I don't look like someone who wanders into a bar this time of day innocently. 

I had just returned from a trip down south where the air is even thicker. Up in New York, the heat doesn’t even compare. The twins were celebrating their first Fourth of July and of course this was just another for my cousin, sister and I. My cousin had a boy named Mica and a girl named Kora, both of whom were incredibly precious. I wasn’t around babies often so I made sure to examine their blindly gripping fingers and flexing toes. To smell their heads. I’d heard about babies' heads having a unique smell but I couldn’t understand until I got my hands on one. The soft warm flesh radiates a scent that can only be compared to safety or sympathy. Pure love with notes of sweat. I held the Mica close and unlike his sister, he had such little hair I could press my nose right up on his skull. I wasn’t sure how malleable his little head could be so I made a point to visit different spots. I couldn’t help but linger as he sat patient in my arms. There are times where I pretend to be pregnant. I'll puff out my stomach, arching way back to get the physical feel of it. Running my hand over my belly as if there were a little life in there. I imagined the father smiling at us, his two babies. The twins were so young I could have had them a few weeks ago. They were so small in fact, they couldn’t be in the heat too long. The Fourth of July ‘celebration’ was the three of us drinking spiked ale and watching the babies react to their favorite sensory videos. I claimed the long part of the sectional sofa in order to fully splay out. The heat was unbeatable despite the fans on full speed panning right in front of us. We all stared at our phones after the babies bouncing in their rockers got old. I had opened a dating app to swipe past faces and not answer any messages. I simply wanted the attention from being desirable. I’m 17 so I wasn’t supposed to be on it truthfully. I had just completed my first semester of college and after using it on campus I wasn’t just going to delete it, so the swiping began.
 
My age range in the settings was from 18 to 40. I wasn’t planning on letting anyone chat me up, rather I just wanted to see who I could attract. The older men of course flocked towards younger women, I would always be upfront with my age if I did choose to chat.
 
The paranoia I felt the entire trip would not ease up, everyone could surely see I was doing something wrong. But was I? I was doing the exact opposite of what all cautionary tales about strangers taught me. This wasn’t just a dating app hookup or a first date really. This was the first meeting and it’s behind closed doors. I was going to his house after just a few days of chatting. 

In part, I’m living out a total fantasy of mine. An older man enamored by a younger woman ready to spoil her senseless. I was dressing up and trying to mentally put myself in the role. The reality of the meeting was making this seem a lot less like a T.V. show. I know most situations they show don’t end well but there are so many success stories online, testaments to young women dating older men and things going fantastically. I’d read plenty of blogs so I know I’m ignoring a major red flag by traveling so far but I don't think I’ll let things get out of hand. I have enough money to take a cab back at any time if needed.  I know I can hold my own. 

Yet I had no idea where to go and I didn’t want to text him just yet. I needed to regain the confidence I had when arranging this meeting. If I hadn't had the crazy idea of taking the train into the next state I wouldn’t be nearly as nervous. My black dress was excelling at absorbing all the sunlight it could heating up my body. The dress swept the floor and my body was not as mature as the intended demographic. The neck string style of it was problematic, the cotton string was rubbing and digging into my nape. It left my shoulders exposed, leaving them to burn. I was roasting like a pig and sweating like one too. I could hardly breathe, I was choking in all respects. 

The driver of the cab that dropped me off was puzzled by the neighborhood we pulled into. We counted the house numbers together. I couldn’t help but notice these houses were so…shabby. Rinky-dink one story homes with the same white siding soiled by algae and mud with small lawns dried out from the summer heat. All the identical white shutters were drawn. Some houses were better kept than others. Albeit unkempt, the surrounding houses seemed like actual homes, there was life spilling out of them. A pink Barbie Jeep in the driveway, a basketball hoop, an open garage with its contents exposed, you could even build a picture with just a minivan parked out front. People lived there.

When we spotted 4249, the driver slowed down rather than coming to a stop. The house didn't look drastically different from the others but there was just something off about it. It looked almost vacant. There was nothing alive about it.